The House Guest Who Never Leaves

You ever have one of those people in your life who asks to crash in the guest room, and then one morning you wake up and realize he lives there now? This epiphany usually happens as you catch him cadging your coffee before it's done brewing. He exists in your household like some sort of Zen exercise in patience, eating your food, using up your hot water, counting your shoes and generally making a nuisance of himself. His contributions include more dirty towels, more empty cereal boxes in the trash, and a cigarette butt collection growing on your porch. If only you could just throw him down a well and toss his Lucky Charms down after him. Alas, it is illegal in most states.