Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Spring Break Shark Attack - 2005

Someone was bound to make this picture sooner or later. A Spring Break bikini beach setting and a sharks-run-amok plot: they go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Whoever pitched this thing must have been filled with such confidence, they figured, who needs a script?

Which is why the first half of the movie feels like it was spliced together from several different primetime soap pilots that didn't get picked up. Good girl just wants her dad to trust her, check. Date rape drama, check check. Boy from the wrong side of the tracks meets good girl slumming, ding ding ding!

Way too long into the movie's running time, sharks start going berserk from exposure to an environmentalist subplot that comes out of nowhere. This causes them to do things like leap out of the water next to a pier to grab some poor romantic fool, in much the same manner that a dog jumps after a frisbee, with only slightly more gore (damn CGI). Luckily for the characters, the heroine's brother is a marine biologist, and finds some really fake-looking sea turtle shells that somehow prove as warning against the pending sharkocalypse (they look like green boogie boards with cartoon bites taken out of them). Luckily for the viewers, nobody believes him in time to prevent the sharks from finally appearing in the picture.

This film is the antithesis of what it means to be in the hands of competent storytellers; the very definition of a fine trashy movie. Enjoy!

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